HUMOR
HORN News Special Report
Reported by Andy S Kandy, Senior Reporter, HORN Network
Washington, DC: The Environmental Protection Agency has found a new source of pollution that was detected before, but not analyzed until recently, according to informed sources. This pollution is far worse than air, water and other sources of environmental pollution.
Speaking on condition of anonymity - because of the current administration's tough rules regarding whistle-blowers - the source, whom we will call "Bald Eagle" - because he is bald and a very patriotic person - said that the findings have been very alarming because of what causes it!
Referring to extensive analysis of the data collected during the past 8 years, the Review Committee has prepared a draft report that identifies the sources of the pollution, hot-spots and brown-fields and its impact on the environment. "Bald Eagle" said that this report has not yet gone to Dick Cheney's office (every report prepared anywhere in the Administration must go there for editing and approval)
so it cannot be called final and "authentic".
The pollutant is - get ready for this - partisan politics!
Using the current media-induced models of Red (Republican), Blue (Democratic), White (all other parties including, but not limited to, Libertarian, Green and Constitution parties), and Brown (fringe parties like Marijuana Party), they have developed a map showing the concentration of the pollution and plumes spreading out. It is like something you would have never expected.
Although the map shows wide-spread Blue pollution areas, the concentration of TOPs (Total Output of Pollution) is overwhelmingly in the Red areas, showing an ominous index of 9 and above on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the highest. The Blue areas, on the other hand , show an average TOP of 3, although spread across much larger area.
As to be expected, the Browns are mostly concentrated on the West Coast states of California and Washington, although isolated pockets in Nevada and Arizona are showing up. Not to be outdone, Texas is showing a very large plume extending from Dallas all the way to Austin. Some areas in the Midwest like Madison (Wisconsin) and Chicago show a rather large concentration, although Massachusetts, Vermont, New Hampshire, Connecticut and New Jersey take the top spots along the East Coast. The South has its share in areas around Atlanta, Miami, Research Triangle Park (NC) and Richmond.
All things considered, nothing is bigger and more profound than New York City. To no one's surprise, a very large concentration is evident at the Canadian province of British Columbia - shown on the map only because of the large plume wafting into Washington state from that area!(EPA does not want an International incident because of this information.)
The pollution in Red areas consists of hot air, dirty tricks, lies, deceits, corruption and obfuscation, pedophilia and pandering. The Blue areas, on the other hand, show mostly hot air, some corruption and obfuscation.
There is a distinct pattern to the pollution, and it is showing peaking every two even-numbered years, but a very large spike every four even-numbered years.
It seems have a correlation to the election cycles, although it shows a minor spike at the State Capitals and County seats, too.
"Bald Eagle" did show this reporter the actual map and the supporting charts, but could not give out copies because of embedded codes that would identify the source of the leak.
Asked for comments, the GOP spokes-person Theresa "Tootsie" Roles said that it is pure and simple hot air, and her party has never been a major source of such pollution.
Democratic Party spokesman Chip "Brownie" Cookey said that he has seen some evidence of this pollution, but could not comment any further, because of the Presidential election season. He whispered that it, indeed, raises a "Red" flag!
Washington, DC area is showing so much of both Red and Blue pollution that it is looking almost Purple.
Bald Eagle had to leave in a hurry, because he did not want to be seen in company of such influential media people like this reporter from HORN. (Humor Of Rumors and Nonsense) in such a prominent place like Starbucks.
It is expected that this report would come out in December, 2008.
It seems the public just can't wait to see the report!
